Sky's English Journal

Creative Writing Redraft H/W

Donnie looked up at his teacher with his eyebrows looking down. His back slouched forwards and his face frowning. His eyes were in a slight squint as he stared out of the window. He was in his least favourite lesson;English. The teacher was standing at the front of the classroom whilst reading a book to the class. As she finished the paragraph, she looked up from the book to see Donnie tapping his biro against the desk in rapid succession. However, in Donnie’s mind, he was somewhere else.

Donnie was standing in the school corridor with his peers outside the library. It was results day. Donnie was about to look at the display board to see all of his results until he heard someone call his name. He blinked.

“Donnie?”

Donnie blinked again. It was his English teacher.

 

 

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S2KY

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3 responses to “Creative Writing Redraft H/W”

  1. jnorth Avatar
    jnorth

    Sky,

    Your varied sentence structures really help this piece to flow. You have made a clear development on using visual clues.

    Targets:
    How would your last sentence change if you dropped the ‘however’? Why?

    Where might you insert some dialogue in the first paragraph to help break the descriptions?

    Keep it up,

    Mr North

    Reply
    1. TheS2KY Avatar
      TheS2KY

      I believe that if I were to remove the ‘However’ from the text, it would change the effect of Donnie daydreaming because it would change the sentence structure. I believe the ‘However’ acts as a link between the two sentences. If it were not there, it would seem as though the punctuation would be wrong and a semi colon should take its place.In the terms of the story, I cannot decide how the story might change or be different.

      Reply
      1. jnorth Avatar
        jnorth

        Thanks for your response Sky. You’ve obviously given this a lot of thought.

        Reply

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